Aminet 1 (Walnut Creek)/Aminet - June 1993 [Walnut Creek].iso/aminet/text/misc/danbarrhumor.lzh/b/b.08

Internet Message Format | 1992-05-04 | 7KB

From: [e-mail] (Dan Barrett)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
Subject: The long-awaited History of BLAZEMONGER
Keywords: Watch for BLAZEMONGER MLXXVII with 4-D sound
Date: 19 Jun 91 07:57:00 GMT

    Various people have written me e-mail about BLAZEMONGER.  So far,
the comments look like this:

    PERCENT        COMMENT
    54.5%        "Don't you have anything BETTER to do at 4:00 am?"
    28.0%        "Stop wasting bandwidth!"
    16.8%        "Where can I obtain, er, uh, BUY a copy?"
     2.7%        "Is your last name REALLY 'Barrett'?"
     1.4%        "Can't you add to 100% correctly?!?"
     0.0003%    "Could you tell us the history of BLAZEMONGER?"

    Well, due to overwhelming popular demand, here it is... the REAL,
TRUE, FACTUAL, MAGNIFICENT HISTORY OF BLAZEMONGER.  But first, some
legalities:

        ** This REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY is **
        ** CopyWright 1991  by Daniel J. BLAZEMONGER.    **
        ** All rites reserved.  Void where permitted.    **

    Now before reading, please sign the following non-disclosure
agreement.

        "I, __type__your__name__here__, agree that I will not
        disclose any information about the REAL TRUE FACTUAL
        MAGNIFICENT HISTORY of BLAZEMONGER unless I really want to."

                        _________________
                          (fill in .sig)

Now that THAT is all out of the way... time for the R.T.F.M. History!!


Part I:  BEFORE BLAZEMONGER

    Once, there was a TERRIBLE time in Amiga history.  The games
    sucked.  They were SLOW, STUPID, BORING, USELESS, and NOT AT ALL FUN.
    Totally WIMPY games like "Shadow of the Cheese" dominated the
    market.  These games were written by INEPT PROGRAMMERS who didn't
    know the difference between a HARDWARE REGISTER and an EXPONENTIAL
    ALGORITHM.  They couldn't tell an OUTPUT from a SHOT PUT.  The most
    COMMON PROGRAM these people ran was a GURU MEDITATION.  Believe me,
    it was PATHETIC.

    Well, about this time, a group of three Florida doctors had a spare
    $7 million to invest, so they decided to build the ultimate game
    computer.  They... uh... wait a minute.  Wrong history.

    So, about THIS time, a group of ULTIMATE PROGRAMMERS decided that
    ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.  It was time to write the GAME TO END ALL GAMES.
    (Literally!  In fact, the original plans called for the game to seek
    out and DESTROY any WIMPY games owned by the user!  But for better
    or worse, this was dropped from the specification when we realized
    that, to have the best game, you also have to have other games around
    that are WORSE.)

    And so, our BRILLIANT PLANNERS and AMAZING CODERS started work
    on the program.  It was a well-kept SECRET.  NOBODY was allowed
    to refer to it by its actual name, so they used CODE NAMES.  These
    names were SO SECRET and SO WELL ENCRYPTED that nobody, not even
    the people involved, could crack them.  So they just tossed out
    the code names and used the real one.

    But what was the real name?  What should the ULTIMATE GAME be
    called?  Well, the original name chosen was, believe it or not,
    "Wonk", which is the sound of the user "wonking" a monster on
    the head.  But this name was soon scrapped because it sounded too
    similar to "Turrican", a VERY WIMPY game.

    Next, the designers tried the name "Kill Kill Kill" which pleased
    most everyone, but it STILL sounded too much like "Turrican".  But
    this name was one step closer to a good one, because it had almost
    enough VIOLENCE in it.

    Finally, in a sudden BURST OF BRILLIANCE, ALL of the people involved
    SUDDENLY thought of the SAME NAME SIMULTANEOUSLY!  It was a MAGICAL
    experience!  Everybody was STUNNED!  Yes!!  The game was going to be
    called... called... "Little Princess Petunia and her Cute, Fluffy
    Doggie"!!  How they CHEERED the decision!!  Everybody felt GREAT.

    Then somebody noticed that the building's air vents were all shut,
    and truck exhaust fumes had been filtering into the building for
    the past 2 hours.  So everybody went outside, took a few deep
    breaths, and decided on "BLAZEMONGER."

    BLAZEMONGER:  a name that would strike TERROR into the hearts and
    text editors of those INCOMPETENT WANNA-BE BASIC PROGRAMMERS at
    Psychosis, Innerprune, Bitmap Buffoons, Electronic Artichokes,
    Seagate, and other TOY MANUFACTURERS.  Yes, BLAZEMONGER:  who could
    change the course of mighty GAME SALES... bend RKM RULES in its BARE
    HANDS...  and who, disguised as... uh... never mind.

Part II:  B.M. Hits The Beta-Testers

    After a careful selection process, 6 BRAVE beta-testers were chosen
    to try out the game.  We watched carefully, from behind our concrete
    bunker, to see what would happen.  Up to this point, nobody had
    actually tried to play the game.

    The first beta-tester picked up the BLAZEMONGER game disk and
    prepared to insert it into the computer.  We were all VERY pleased
    when, as his hand was approaching the drive, the words "GAME OVER"
    began flashing on the monitor.

    It was a success!!  BLAZEMONGER was the FASTEST GAME EVER WRITTEN.
    (We sent the rest of the beta-testers home.  Dweebs.)

Part III:  Disaster In The Stores

    The first shipment of BLAZEMONGER packages was sent to the stores.
    It was shaped like a PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE wrapped around a LIT STICK
    of DYNAMITE.  This naturally frightened some of the MEEK and WIMPY
    store owners.  But we had expected that this might happen, so we
    did the appropriate thing:  we sent a few of our "support people"
    to each store, and they beat the hell out of the store owners
    with blunt instruments.  BLAZEMONGER sales improved rapidly.

    But it wasn't enough.  Weedy little jerkoff kids started PIRATING
    the game.  In our first release, you see, we had decided not to use
    any form of disk-based copy protection.  This was not a problem,
    however, as one of our programmers had lovingly coated the original
    disks with BUBONIC PLAGUE VIRUS, which was passed on to the illegal
    copies.  However, the original PACKAGING was coated with Bubonic
    Plague ANTIDOTE.  You get the picture?  Anyway, that took care of
    the piracy problem rather quickly.

    Finally, BLAZEMONGER sales were hurt by a nasty rumor that started
    floating around on BBS's and USENET.  Somebody claimed that, after
    you turned off your computer, BLAZEMONGER would hide in the
    battery-backed RAM of the internal clock.  This was a VICIOUS LIE!!
    BLAZEMONGER doesn't NEED any WIMPY batteries!!!  If it wanted to, it
    could hide in your MOUSE!!  Or even in the GRIMY DIRT on your RETURN
    KEY!!!  God, don't you ever WASH that thing?!?  Makes me sick.

Part IV.  BLAZEMONGER TRIUMPHANT

    Nowadays, absolutely EVERYBODY admits that BLAZEMONGER is the
    ULTIMATE GAME that plays FASTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE.  Even though the
    original game had NO BUGS, we decided to add LOTS OF FEATURES (the
    feature not to blow up the monitor, the feature not to electrocute
    the user, etc.), resulting in BLAZEMONGER III, BLAZEMONGER IV, and so
    on.  (There was no BLAZEMONGER II, as it was so BLINDINGLY FAST that
    it LEAPED out of the computer and up into the STRATOSPHERE before we
    could play it.)


    So there you have it:  the REAL TRUE FACTUAL MAGNIFICENT HISTORY
of BLAZEMONGER... straight from the SOURCE.  If you have any questions,
we can send some of our "support people" around to straighten you out.



Copyright 1991 by Daniel J. Barrett.  All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, but may not be included in any
publication without the written permission of the author.